Fierce Love in Feedback

authored by Head of School Fran Bisselle

I recently came across an old tribute by  Alison Kraus and James Taylor in honor of Paul Simon featuring the Simon & Garfunkel hit “The Boxer.” Although I have never probed deeply into the meaning of these timeless lyrics, I was struck by the line, “All lies and jest. Still, a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest.” I think we can all relate to times where we have been selective listeners, and yet hearing feedback authentically, particularly in a learning environment, is an important life skill. Critique is necessary for improvement. 

My mom was affectionately called “Big Al” although she was about 105 pounds soaking wet.  She was a force, and that was a necessity as she raised her brood of 12 daughters and 3 sons. A devoutly religious woman, she would say things like “I’m not in this for a popularity contest. My job is to make sure you get back to your maker” - after which she would deliver her review.  I am not sure I would call Big Al warm and fuzzy, but I know she loved me fiercely.  I am a better woman and leader because of her honest and caring feedback.

How do we encourage those we love to hear what they need to hear while also building their confidence and self-esteem?  How do we model this art for the younger generations? Here are my thoughts: 

Reframe Wins and Losses as Wins and Lessons: Encourage your child to view every experience, whether a success or a failure, as a valuable learning opportunity. Help them understand that setbacks are not failures but lessons that can guide them towards future success.

Emphasize the Mental Side of Goals: Mental preparation is critically important to achievement as we’ve seen with the exciting summer Olympic games! Teaching your child to set realistic goals, visualize success, and develop a positive mindset are foundational. Mental fortitude will help them navigate challenges and stay focused on their objectives.

Acknowledge the Full Range of Human Experience: Understanding and embracing the full spectrum of human emotions and experiences is healthy. Encourage your child to express their feelings, whether joy, sadness, or frustration, and let them know that all these emotions are valid and part of their growth.

Encourage Taking Risks and Embracing Challenges: Remind yourself that "a ship in a harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for." Empower your child to step out of their comfort zone, take risks, and face challenges head-on. It might be difficult as a parent to watch them struggle, but these experiences are crucial for their development and independence.

Practice Fierce Love in Feedback: Providing constructive feedback requires a balance of honesty and compassion. Approach feedback with fierce love—be direct and clear about areas for improvement, but also be supportive and encouraging. This approach helps your child feel valued and understood while guiding them towards better performance– and is certainly the way Hathaway Brown teachers approach feedback in their classrooms.

Last year at graduation, one of the dads came up to me and said, “I get it now. I am supposed to keep my daughter away from danger but not discomfort. I need to help her develop confidence and resilience as well as celebrate her successes.” How truly wise.

As we prepare for the new school year, I want you to know how excited I am for our partnership.  My mother, Big Al, would say, “you know, we are all just walking each other home.”  I say, we are here for you and look forward to the journey of raising strong, empowered young women who understand the enormous potential and power of being a girl.