I’d Make the Same Choice Again

Authored by Director of College Counseling Margaret Appenheimer. She earned her Bachelor of Arts in English, with a minor in history, from Loyola Marymount University in Los Angeles, California, and her Master of Arts in Education from Stanford University in Stanford, California.

A few years ago while at a cookout with extended family, the conversation turned to college, even though nearly all of us had at least 25 years of distance from our own college years. Most of us had already started the circuit of celebrating those big birthdays that come with either joy or dread, depending on your perspective.

“If you could do it over, knowing what you know now, where would you have gone?” someone tossed out. People quieted, taking stock. A life mulligan? Everyone bit, and the conversation and reflection that unfolded was fascinating. 

Each of these 15 individuals had achieved significant professional success in their chosen careers. Yet, every person there – except me – indulged in thinking about where they wished they attended, now in possession of decades of life experience and already far along on paths that feel immutable. For some, there was an undertone of regret while others were wistful at recalling their own youth and opportunity, two things that you don’t fully recognize when you have them. 

People were irritated at my lack of interest in playing the game. “Awwww….come on,” they egged. “You’re just saying that. Really, take a minute. If you could have gone anywhere, where would it be?” 

Like most college counselors, my business is to be knowledgeable about many different colleges and the opportunities that exist. “Nope,” I maintained. “I’d make the same choice again, even knowing what I know now.”

And that’s the rub, isn’t it? When we make big life choices, we don’t have the benefit of knowing how it will all play out. How do we know we’re making the right choice? 

Making a Decision

In working with students, it is very common for me to hear their worry about making the wrong choice. From deciding how to “spend” an Early Decision opportunity to making a choice from among five different institutions that have offered a student admission, many students feel tremendous weight. Recently, I was chatting with an HB alumna and she recalled how important her college choice felt nearly 20 years earlier. She shared that her college experience actually didn’t end up being as impactful as the gravity of her choice felt when she was a senior in high school. But she recognized that the choice was so important because it marked the first time that she was making a significant life decision.

The college process is a myriad of decisions — What should I write about for my essay? What should I indicate for my intended major? How far away from home do I want to go? How much am I willing to take out in student loans? How competitive of a climate do I want to be in? What am I looking for in a peer group? What’s more important to me - selectivity or fit? Strong advising and support for medical school admission or name recognition? It is common for students, particularly very high achieving ones, to fear making the wrong choice.  

“I just don’t want to have any regrets.” We hear this often from our students in their senior year as they’re making these big decisions, the first of many in their lives. Sometimes they’ll ask us to decide for them. While we give advice, share data and admissions trends insight, assist in developing pro/con lists, serve as a sounding board, and ask questions to help clarify their thinking, we won’t make a decision for a student. If someone else decides for me, the unspoken reasoning goes, then I won’t have any regrets if things go awry — I didn’t make the wrong choice: somebody else did.

No Regrets

I recently finished Daniel Pink’s book The Power of Regret: How Looking Back Moves Us Forward. He explained that we aim to avoid regret because it is unpleasant to reflect on how a different choice might have resulted in a better outcome and ultimately a completely different (and more desirable)  life trajectory. If only. Regret is part of the human condition. This is not to say we should approach life’s impactful decisions cavalierly. Instead, recognize that life does not often proceed in a straight line and sometimes, despite our careful planning, it takes a different, unexpected turn. Our success lies in our ability to navigate life’s difficult turns and to learn from them; this knowledge of course informs our future decision-making. Pink argues that we shouldn’t fear regret but rather recognize its instructive value. “Done right,” he explains, “it needn’t drag us down; it can lift us up.”

Our students are navigating a complex and quickly changing college admissions landscape. We spend a lot of time encouraging students to focus on things that are in their control (doing well in their classes, taking advantage of the countless opportunities afforded them through our Fellowships in Applied Studies, and doing thoughtful, in-depth research of the colleges they’re considering - to name a few). And, due to the numerous and ever-changing variables that are not in their control (record-breaking application numbers, changing institutional priorities, impact of the gender imbalance in higher ed ), students are having to make their first big life decision under circumstances that are as uncertain and unpredictable as ever.

Initially, a student might measure the “correctness” of her decision-making by the admissions outcome. Yet, the acceptance alone isn’t the end-game. Sometimes we have students who were elated in senior year to gain admission to their top choice college and then confide in us a year later that they are miserable. Likewise, we’ll have students who have had repeated disappointments in their college search and then come back to visit several years later – content, confident, and successful. 

When we hear students worrying about making a decision they’ll regret - it can take many shapes. They fear regretting playing it too safe, shooting too high, choosing the school they like over the one their parents prefer (and vice versa), or just generally choosing the wrong school for them. What if I don’t like it? What if it’s not what I thought it would be?

But here’s the balm. In a world of uncertainty – in both college admissions and beyond –  an HB education equips students to maneuver life in exceptional ways. The college process is a learning endeavor unto itself, requiring students to use and strengthen the valuable skills (reflection, writing, organization, decision-making, self-advocacy, risk-taking, compassion - to name a few) that they have been developing throughout their entire time at HB, and will continue to pull upon throughout their lives in the most important of ways.

NO REGRETS, Daniel Pink explains, are the two most common words people choose for a tattoo. He points out the irony that 20 percent of people who get tattoos “eventually regret their decision, which is why the tattoo removal business is a $100 million-a-year industry in the United States alone.” Pink cites a 1984 study by social scientist Susan Shimanoff in which she found among the recorded conversations of her subjects,  regret was the most frequently expressed emotion after love.

When I went on to read in Pink’s book that researchers have concluded that an inability to experience regret is an alarming neurological deficit, I revisited my own lack of regret with my college choice. Why didn’t I want to entertain other scenarios? I think my hang up with the game was the caveat of knowing what you know now, what would I choose. It implies that I would be attending said college with all the wisdom, confidence, and knowledge that comes with existing for more than half a century. But when I look back at my 17-year-old self nearly 35 years later, I remain so grateful for the excellent education I received and how it launched me into the larger world. In college, I could have worked harder earlier on and taken advantage of more of the exceptional opportunities afforded me from day one, but my attempts at regretting my college choice just fall flat. I loved my college experience – the faculty pushed me, challenged me, encouraged me, and introduced me to ideas, opinions, and people I never knew existed. It was life changing.

However, what I do regret is not staying connected with my alma mater to the extent that matches my gratitude for all that it did for me. But as Pink points out, regret can serve to positively inform what we do moving forward.

And with that, I think it’s time I reach out to the LMU Alumni Association and rekindle that connection. Go Lions!